Third Degree with Tristan Taormino

Interview by JIMBO IVY

If you could be any inanimate object, what would you be? Why?
Obviously I’m gonna say a butt plug. I mean I love butt plugs; because they’re so simple, but their simplicity is really deceptive because they can just bring such incredible pleasure to people…so yea, a butt plug.
What would your death row meal consist of?
I mean, I think it would be sushi. I would like a variety, but I really like the Westernized, bastardized kind of sushi, I like a lot of special sauces and special rolls with cutesy names. And, a good spicy avocado roll goes a long way.
What is your normal, preferred sleep attire?
Um, I am someone that loves pajamas. I know I’m like a sex expert, and people probably want me to say naked, but I have really sensitive skin and have really nice sheets, but yes I need to have pajamas. I have dog pajamas, they have dogs on them, that my mother-in-law made for me. I’m a wholesome girl at heart, really.
Would you rather have the power of flight or invisibility?
Flight, because there are so many places that I need to go, and I travel so much as it is that I lose a lot of time that way, and there are so many people I love that are not in close proximity to me. So, yes, flight, definitely.
If you were a bar drink what drink would you be?
That’s easy. Really, really expensive champagne. I don’t really drink, except on special occasions, so I am usually drinking because I’m toasting, but I hate bad champagne. I like bubbly things.
If you could spend the day with one historical figure who would it be? Why?
I mean, I guess it would be Alfred Kinsey. If I could sit in on some of his research, pick his brain, just have dinner with him and let him just talk to me for hours.
If you had to choose one historical figure to have a threesome with the above historical figure, who and why?
Oh, god…oh my god. It’s gotta be someone who would be into strap-on sex, because I bet Alfred Kinsey liked it in the butt…I’m gonna go with…I’m gonna go with Joan of Arc. And a strap-on, for Alfred. In like a seedy, underground gay sex club that we’ve somehow snuck into. Yes.
If you had to spend one million dollars in a completely frivolous and selfish manner, how would you blow it?
It can’t be humanitarian…hmmm. Frivolous and selfish…umm, I think, could I buy like a small yacht or a cruise ship for that? Like a used cruise ship? One that you could have like 75 or so people together, partying on the ocean. So yes, party yacht…with a staff…and 75 of my closest friends.
Smell is the sense most tied to memory, with that in mind, what smell do you fear the most?
That’s a great question. I don’t have a great sense of smell, but I am severely sensitive to the smell of any perfume or cologne. So when I step into an elevator and get a whiff of someone’s insane cologne or perfume, that they’ve put on way too much of, I get a migraine. So yes, that makes me panic.
What is a personal cure when you get nervous?
Breathing and centering. A mini-meditation works for me.
What is a personal cure when you get sad?
I would say that, I eat something that I like, which is almost always chocolate…and I would phone a friend. Definitely, chocolate and phone a friend.
Where do we go when we die?
My hope is that I go where my dogs are…I wanna be with my dogs when I die. Yes.
Favorite Beatles song?
Probably Imagine.
One luxury item you cannot live without?
Um, well, insanely overpriced designer glasses. I just got these glasses, and spent way too much on them. I love my glasses, I think of them as so much of a part of me. If given the choice of contacts or laser surgery, I don’t want it. I want glasses and I want them to be really frickin cute.
If aliens landed and asked you to go with them, would you?
Tough one. I’m gonna say no. There’s a lot to do here on Earth. I feel called to help people with their sex lives and my work is not done here on Earth yet.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes. We lost one of our dogs this fall, on Halloween. My partner carved this incredibly elaborate pumpkin with a Boston Terrier on it, which is what our dog Jordan was, and we brought it outside to take pictures, lit all these candles, and they were all blown out one by one, but there was no wind.
If you had to give up one sense (sight, taste, hearing, touch, smell) what would it be? Why?
Hearing. I think it would be interesting to experience the world without hearing it. I think it might cut down on the chatter in my head. Well, I was thinking of smell, but your taste really gets f***ed up, and I really love food, so I need that.
Karaoke song of choice?
Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi. I’m a complicated person.
Favorite Painter?
Umm…Sean Callahan. We went on vacation to Key West, and we bought an amazing water color of a bulldog. We collect art, and especially dog art, we love dogs, and we actually got to meet him, the artist. It’s so much more meaningful to look at a piece of art in your house and know that you met the person behind it, personally.
What is more annoying, whistling or humming?
Whistling. Because whistling can be directed in inappropriate ways. You can’t hum at someone in an inappropriate way.
Favorite Movie?
I really love Requiem for a Dream. I really like Darren Aronofsky, the director, who just did Black Swan. It’s just…really dark…and the vision…years and years later I can still call up images from it. He has a very powerful vision and can convey it in such a way that it sticks with you, forever.
Favorite Anatomical feature of the opposite or same sex?
The Butt. The most obvious, for me, but…I’ll be predictable here.
What is your earliest memory?
My earliest memory is of masturbating. I was four. I know I was four because I went to this very particular baby sitter when I was four and at nap time, we got our own rooms in her house, and I used to masturbate to help me fall asleep.
What do you drink when you are thirsty?
Lemonade. Preferably fresh squeezed. I drink it year round and people think I’m crazy; it’s ten below and I’m drinking lemonade.
Favorite holiday? Why?
Christmas. We in recent years have been volunteering and delivering meals to people with this local synagogue that does all this amazing work during the Christmas season; it’s really rewarding and fun and just re-frames the whole holiday for me.
What has been the most defining moment of your life to date?
Meeting my partner. Yea. We are about to celebrate 10 years together, actually we’ll be in Oregon when we do it. I just can’t imagine [life] without Colten. I just can’t. So yea, that’s my moment.
Favorite activity that should be considered a sport?
Anal fisting. Mhmm.
Favorite Book?
House Rules by Heather Louis.
Favorite Disney Character?
The Little Mermaid. Not from the actual cartoon; I had this book of it when I was a kid (the original Hans Christian Andersen version), and my memory of it [was] very twisted. In order to be able to walk on land, she had to endure this tremendous amount of pain, and I read it when I was 8, and it’s very intense and really about the choices that we make and sacrifice, and about the trade-offs that we make in life. I haven’t seen the actual one, so I’m sure it’s very Disney-fied, but yes, The Little Mermaid.
If you knew you only had 24 hours to live, how you spend your final day?
I would fly to Belize with as many friends as I could get, and snorkel the Barrier Reef. My party yacht from earlier would really help with that, if I could bring it.
What question aren’t people asked enough?
What do you value most?
Please answer that question?
My chosen family; my partner, my friends…I have a tiny family of origin and many of them have gone to the other side, so they are my family now. My dogs. Other people’s patience. Unconditional love. Being seen.
What word do people/you use too much?
I probably say ‘literally’ too much. Also, when I’m really horrified, surprised, disgusted, pissed-off, shocked, I say “REALLY?!” That too.
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Yes, definitely. I think that loving is the most powerful thing we can do, and it’s also the most difficult. But, I wouldn’t give up the chance to love someone, even if they were going to leave the next day. Cause I would love them for that day.
Is it better to be lucky or skilled?
Skilled. I am a self-made person…growing up I didn’t have any money, and people always ask me ‘what’s your secret? you built this career for yourself’. I’m like, ‘There’s no secret, I just work my ass off, people!’ I feel like there are chance encounters and things happen, but I don’t feel like it’s all about luck because the luck can come to you and you could not see it, you could leave it on the ground, not pick up the phone, all these different choices. You can’t rely on luck.
Is there a God?
I think there’s a higher power. I believe in the universe giving you opportunities, helping you, pushing you, challenging you, opening doors, closing doors…but the God that condemns queer people, the God that says women shouldn’t have the right to have abortions, the God who says kill people, in my name…I don’t believe in that God.